Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

Wow. Read that title again.  I mean, really, read it.  Then let it sink it (and repeat if necessary).

That phrase comes from the classic description of true love found in 1 Corinthians 13.  I have had this passage memorize for years.  In two different languages. 

And yet...

Lying in bed tonight I found myself doing it.  As I have so often done it.  Going through my list.  That mental list of times I've been wronged.  Of things that I am owed.  Of what I should have said.  Of what I would say now.  The dishes--left undone--again.  Broken headphones.  Empty gas tank.  Rude jokes.  Experiences denied.  Hurtful words.  Times left out.     

And I was interrupted by a whisper.

Love keeps no record of wrongs.

The wind went rushing out of my gut as that gentle whisper wrapped itself around my head like a fog.  A simple phrase.  A well-known verse.  Pounded into my brain for years, but I never once had the thought that I thought tonight:

If that is love, who do I love?  Do I really love anyone at all?

I don't want to be that person.  I refuse to be that person.  I refuse to live in bitterness or regret.  I refuse to relish the mental replay of what I could have said to cut a person to size. I refuse to wallow in self-pity or martyrdom.  I choose love.  Forget the dishes.  Lose the record.

Take a moment.  Who do you love?  And then answer this: how well do you love them?  Are you willing to truly love and lose any record of wrongs?

Being an Environmentally Conscious Mama

Is it possible to be an environmentally conscious global citizen as well as an overwhelmed mama?  I think I've found the answer:

No.

I read somewhere that mothers are the champions at harboring guilt.  House is never clean enough, child is never nurtured enough, husband is never cared for enough, etc, etc.  So, as a result I've decided to simplify my life and take a 30 day paper challenge. 

For the next 30 days, I am using all disposable dishes.  I've hidden our dishes from the menfolk and bought paper products (except for silverware--I draw the line at forks that break off while trying to eat!).  I am no longer adding to the mound of recycling that piles up so high we cannot open our back door (Houston is located in the heart of oil country and therefore does not encourage recycling...wannabe green consumers have to drive to the nearest center in order to recycle!).  And guess what.  I am refusing to feel guilty about it!  And maybe, just maybe, during the next 30 days I'll get a handle on my inferiority complex about how I'll never be as good of a mom as my own mother.  And maybe I'll quit feeling guilty about spending time with  my son or checking my email without having to avoid the kitchen all day long because of my guilt about the dishes that have piled up.

The earth is important, but so is my family and my mental health.  I've prided myself on being "green" since college when I first learned that non-organic milk can be full of pus.  But now I've realized there is a balance to be maintained.  And a family living within that balance is both a happy family and a responsible family.  No, I don't think living on paper products is the answer.  But I do think it is ok to allow this time to help my family find that answer.  And in the meantime I'm going to play with my son and not tap my foot anxiously waiting for naptime so that I can do work, because that is no way to live!

Don't worry, once I find out how to live green AND sane, I will let you all know.

Are You as Money Savvy as You Think? (Public Service Announcement)

I read somewhere sometime that people lose an average of $1,000 YEARLY in medical and insurance billing errors.  The article said you should always be vigilant about checking over your bills and keeping records.  Insurance companies can be lazy or downright corrupt in the amounts they bill.  Doctors offices sort through lots of payments, confusing and elusive insurance agents.  Often, bills come back with errors or incomplete payments.  But since its usually been months since the actually visit, and the language itself can be so confusing, and service reps hours so inconvenient that even if you notice an inconsistency its easier to just pay the bill! 

I'm sure I've overpaid my fair share.  But this past year with Ezra I knew money would be tight for us, and bills would be coming in from many different places so I decided to be vigilant.  Despite the inconvenience of checking bills, calling offices, calling companies all the while dealing with a newborn, I persevered.  The results are still pending for further savings (or I guess I should say overall less spendings), but so far I have avoided paying $702 in false charges! 

Some things I caught:
-incorrect treatment date billed by doctors and subsequently denied by my insurance
-wrong member ID number (dr office duplicated a digit in the middle of while coding)
-incorrect coding of services by dr's office
-random duplicate bill indicating additional (accidental) charges

Basically, I had to wade through a lot of technical language and ended up frequently calling my insurance and doctors' and labs.  Anytime a bill looked too high, or if it didn't have an insurance payment I called.  It took an average of 3 calls to get each bill resolved.  I received several "final notices" that threatened collection agencies while I was working to get the payments worked out.  Currently, I am even appealing my bill from Ezra's delivery back in June, which I think was grossly underpaid!  Hopefully I'll get another couple hundred dollars knocked off, which will bring us right up to that $1,000 marker for the year!  Guess whoever wrote that estimate was right!

So, word to the wise--read your bills before you pay them!  Call your insurance companies (the 800 number on the back of your card) and ask them about it.  Often they will go through the bill with you and itemize how much they paid and why.  Or, if it is a mistake on the end of your dr's office, your rep can call with you on the line to get it resolved.  It may be a lot of time and effort, but definitely worth it for the money saved!

The Precious

"My Precious..." The whisper echoes through the air as a hand gently strokes its most precious object of desire. The caress is loving, possessive.  Another voice breaks into the stillness.  It is commanding, authoritative, yet full of compassion.  "It's been called that before..."

All of a sudden I am brought jarringly back to the present, and look down at those dumpling cheeks that I love so much to kiss with a new perspective.  The journey that I am right now on is not so different than that our beloved little hobbit friends took many years ago through Middle Earth.

**Please don't picture me now as a withered drooling bug-eyed shell of a person, hunched over my baby (for those of you that aren't LotR fans, just ignore that image)**

Take a moment.  Hear me out.  For those of you that are mothers, or parents, this is not a difficult stretch of imagination.  As I sat today, rocking my little munchkin to sleep I realized with startling clarity that no matter what I may think, the precious little bundle in my lap was not mine.  In spite of the numerous pronouns and adjectives that I may use to describe him, my son, Ezra, has only been entrusted to me for a short while.  On this journey, similar to the one embarked upon by 9 friends from a different world, I am responsible for the well-being of something small and infinitely valuable.  He is mine to protect and carry along the same path until I return him to whence he came (which is where the analogy loses steam-the implications of the end of this journey is far less ominous as I have no intention of tossing him into a fire pit now or ever!). 

However, I don't have the ultimate say on what he does, who he becomes, or what happens to him.  I am ushering a fellow soul towards his destiny, but I am not in control, nor dare I attempt to possess him.  Frodo was not to wear the ring, and could not wield its power. And while for now Ezra may need to be cared for physically as a child, he has a soul that will be eternal. 

It is both reassuring and terrifying.  Reassuring that my failings are not the end-all in his development.  Reassuring that if I do not exact complete control over his surroundings (obsess over the car seat, stuffed animals in his crib, food allergies, germs, cold weather, hot weather, peers, role models, etc etc...) he is not automatically doomed.  And yet it is terrifying.  Terrifying to leave him in the hands of an almighty God.  Terrifying to realize that I cannot exact complete control over his surroundings.  Terrifying that in spite of desperate prayers for safety, health, wise decisions, and infinite happiness, he may end up with something completely different. 

But I have faith.  I choose reassurance over terror.  I recognize that unlike Lord of the Rings, my Lord seeks set us free from the darkness rather than bind us.  And as his mother, my duty is to usher Ezra into His presence and raise him into the man he is supposed to be.  "The ring yearns to go home, to return to the hand of its Master."  So my son, already since the day he was born has been yearning to return to his Master.  

Merry Christmas to all!

Picture Joy Christmas

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Christmas Spirit, Brought to you by the Ultimate Peppermint Ganache Brownies

So, this weekend I finally obtained the Christmas spirit, ushered in by a piney fresh Christmas tree, excessive carols, time to gift-brainstorm, and some of the most delicious brownies I have ever eaten or made!  It is only fair that I share the recipe with the world, especially since I managed to make them gluten, dairy, soy, egg, and nut free, as well as low sugar and low fat!  Hooray!  I'm really getting excited about Christmas this year, thinking about Ezra's first Christmas and how to start making things special for him, even though this year he won't remember anything, or enjoy these delicious brownies.  But you will!!

Ultimate Peppermint Gnache Brownies (as adapted from Kiss My Spatula)
 Ingredients

    * 8 tbsp butter (I use applesauce for a low-fat version)
    * 6 ounces good-quality bittersweet chocolate, broken into large chunks (I use Theo dark chocolate:
       organic, fair trade and does not contain soy or dairy)
    * 3 eggs (I find ENER G gluten-free egg replacer to be the best for baking)
    * 1 cup sugar (I use maple syrup for a reduced-sugar version)
    * 3/4 tbsp vanilla
    * 1/4  teaspoon  salt
    * 3/4 cup all purpose flour (There are many gluten-free flour mixes there.  Any all-purpose mix will
       do, or you can make your own.  I've done both, currently I'm using Better Batter which has a very
       unobtrusive flavor, unlike many gf mixes)
    * 1/4 cup cocoa powder
    * 1/2  tsp baking powder
    * 40 or more Starlight mints (I have not tried this with candy canes, but I intend to after recently 
       discovering Tru Sweets candy canes, which are seriously THE BEST candy canes I have ever 
       tasted.  This is saying something, since I consider myself somewhat of a candy cane connoisseur.
       Tru Sweets uses all natural ingredients, no artificial flavors or coloring, no corn syrup, is gluten
       free and kosher.  Happy Hanukkah!) 
    * 1/3 pound semisweet chocolate, chopped (I use Enjoy Life chocolate chips, free of all 8 major 
       allergens and still taste good!)
      * 3/4 cup whipping cream (Try Native Forest Organic Coconut Milk, classic for a non-dairy version.
        Changes the flavor slightly, but not in a bad way, and captures the right consistency in a way
        many imitations do not.) 

Directions:

Preheat oven to 350°. Grease a 9×13 inch baking pan. In a medium saucepan, stir butter and bittersweet
chocolate over very low heat with a heatproof rubber spatula until just melted--do not let simmer or boil. Remove from heat and let cool slightly, about 5 minutes.  In a large bowl, whisk eggs, sugar, vanilla, and salt. Slowly pour chocolate-butter mix into egg mix, whisking constantly. In separate bowl, sift flour, cocoa powder, and baking powder.  With a clean rubber spatula, gently fold flour mixture into egg mixture until just combined.  Spread batter evenly in baking pan. Bake 20 to 25 minutes, or until brownies are firm, beginning to pull away from sides of pan, and a toothpick inserted in center emerges with only a few crumbs clinging to it. Let brownies cool completely in the pan on a wire rack.

Reduce oven temp to 300°.  Line a level, rimmed 11 1/2×16 inch baking sheet with parchment. With a pencil, draw a grid of 1 1/2 inch squares on parchment, leaving about a 1 inch border, and turn parchment over. Place a mint in the center of each square. Bake 15 to 25 minutes, or until completely melted into 1 large sheet, but remove before candy begins to turn yellow. Immediately score peppermint squares with a pizza cutter, using pencil lines as your guide. If scored lines don’t hold, rescore quickly. Let candy cool completely. Gently break into squares along score lines.  (You may want to make a test batch with 12 mints to see if you need to adjust oven temperature or spacing of candies).

In the top of a double boiler, combine chopped semisweet chocolate and whipping cream. Cook, stirring often, until melted and blended (In the case of coconut milk, allow it to cook on low until slightly thickened). Remove from heat and let ganache cool until just warm.  Pour ganache over cooled brownies in pan and allow to set until firm, about 1 hour in the refrigerator.

Place peppermint squares bottom side up on ganache, leaving enough room between squares to cut brownies. Cut brownies into squares along edges of peppermint tops, wiping knife clean between cuts. Remove brownies from pan, eats scraps, and return brownies to pan. Cover with plastic wrap, making sure wrap does not touch peppermint, and refrigerate 3 hours (candy will soften slightly).  Share at any holiday gathering--these will go fast!!

 MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Delicious Gluten-Free (Everything-Free) Bread!!

I mentioned in my last post my frustrations with my new allergy-inflicted diet of nothingness.  Although I have managed to lose those last 6 stubborn pounds of baby weight plus 7 more, the real challenge has been re-learning how to cook, and finding the time to do it in!  But for those of you that know me know that I'm always up for a challenge and this one I've embraced wholeheartedly.  Let's be honest, I love to eat, it is a physical, mental, social, and at times even spiritual experience that I'm not going to give up on just because everything that tastes good is off-limits!  The holiday season is coming up and it is the food highlight of my year.  I'm gonna be busy.  Fortunately, God the Creator made us in his own image, so its time to kick those CREATIVE juices in high gear!!

My first step was to read labels.  After reading labels I realized in frustration that almost nothing is safe.  Even stuff that looks safe has hidden codes like: flavors, emulsifiers, and stabilizers, that automatically put me on the red alert.  So I've gone back to the basics and had to break things down by ingredient.  Fresh foods are my friends!  Grilled chicken, rice, fresh veggies and olive oil were staples for a while.  Homemade smoothies, hummus, and organic corn tortilla chips were my best friends.  But the same fare day after day gets pretty old.  And there's just one thing that was always missing...

Every culture has it.  That one food staple that if you took away their entire nutritional pyramid would crumble.  Their restaurants would close and ovens go cold.  For the Irish its the potato.  The Chinese have their rice.  Mediterranean cuisine has the pita, and Mexico the tortilla.  And we are no different.  You already know where I'm going.

Bread.

We find a way to insert our favorite carbohydrate in almost any meal, sometimes in multiple forms.  It doesn't feel like a meal without it.  I can eat a steak and plate full of vegetables, and still wander around the kitchen looking for something to cram in my mouth because no matter how full I get I just don't feel satisfied.  So, on this gluten-free diet I've gone weeks without feeling satisfied.  That is until I found this post for delicious gluten free, dairy free, egg free, soy free bread!  

I was skeptical at first.  What exactly is in this bread anyway?  How can it possibly taste good?  But the comments at the bottom of the post shouted their approval.  So, it seemed worth a try.  

First step, gathering my ingredients.  That part was relatively easy.  Even my local grocery store has a small specialty section that holds a host of gluten free flours.  And the one thing I've found is that in replacing flours in any recipe, you can't just take out wheat and replace it with something else.  There is a delicate combination of flours that must be attempted and it is quite a balance!  I'm thankful for everyone that has done the legwork for me to find the right combos so that I don't have to do it.  I'd have given up long before discovering sorghum flour, that's for sure!!

Shopping bag in hand, I approached my kitchen with trepidation.  I had never tried to make homemade bread before.  I have had a breadmaker since my wedding 5 years ago, a cherished gift that I have been too intimidated to use.  The blog promised it was easy.  The directions are for oven-baked bread, not breadmaker.  So, conscious that I was entering into some sacred rite of passage, I followed the recipe doing my best and....Ta-da!  Bread--actual delicious bread that was good enough to cry over.  And I had done it all by myself!  With that triumph, I felt empowered to get creative.  And the confidence to go after my cravings, the beautiful food that I forced out of my mind for the next 8 months as I continue to nurse my everything-intolerant son.  

The recipe that I came up with is inspired by Macaroni Grill's deliciously addicting bread.  A couple years ago, when Joel and I were first married our close friend and neighbor worked at the Macaroni Grill.  He would come home with fresh loaves of bread, their aroma seeping through their paper bags just begging to be doused in olive oil and eaten that night!  It got to the point when, like pavlov's dog we would begin drooling right around closing time.  Mmmm.

It's been several years since I've been to a Macaroni Grill, but I found myself craving those flavors again.  So, I made myself some bread, and even my gluten-eating husband was in for a happy surprise!  I only made one loaf and it did not last the day.  

We tried it warm dipped in olive oil and basalmic vinegar.  Mmmm...

A sandwich!!  How long has it been??  Delicious barbecue chicken with grilled onions, homemade mayonnaise, cucumbers, and lettuce.  Yum!

like I said, did not last long...

Having conquered the challenge of homemade oven-cooked bread, I finally tried my breadmaker.  Let's be honest, my inborn lack of patience plus the demands of an infant means that I will ALWAYS cheat my bread on the amount of kneading as well as time to rise that it requires.  This bread doesn't require a lot, but still my breadmaker attempt was just a bit fluffier when it came out, and ever so much easier!

Here is my recipe, (which as I mentioned is adapted from Sally Parrot's blog):

Yields: 1 loaf of bread

Ingredients: 

* 3/4 cup millet flour

* 1/4 cup teff flour

* 1/2 cup sorghum flour

* 1/2 cup cornstarch

* 1 cup potato starch

* 1/2 cup tapioca flour

* 2 tsp xantham gum

* 2 tsp salt

* 1 tsp fennel 

* 1 Tbsp rosemary

* 1 Tbsp garlic powder

* 1/4 cup sugar

* 2 tsp yeast

* 2 tsp olive oil

* 1 1/2 cup + 2 Tbsp warm (105-110 degree) water

Combine all flours, starches, xantham gum, salt, and spices.  (I have a canister of already prepared flour.  I took the amounts listed above and multiplied by the greatest common denominator to make a mix that I keep on hand (and have used for other recipes) which makes it even easier to make!  All-in-all this bread takes me about 12 minutes to get together and the rest is up to my Breadman Ultimate.)  If you don't have a breadmaker, from here on out follow the instructions listed in Sally's blog.  If you are using a breadmaker, you are basically there.  Pour water and olive oil in bottom of breadmaker.  Add the sugar (this recipe is yeast-based so it needs sugar; I'm not sure how substitutes would work), followed by flour mixture.  Make a small well at the top and add yeast, making sure it is not touching water.  Close breadmaker, set on whole wheat, medium crust, rapid rise, wait 2 hours and voila!  Be ready with butter or oil or whatever you want, and make sure you came with an appetite!! 

Enjoy and Happy Thanksgiving!!

**Edit: for a golden crispy crust, coat in butter or olive oil and toast for 10 minutes or until crispy**