Spirit-killer

I know it's been quite awhile since I've blogged anything.  There's been a lot going on lately with work and life, but nothing I felt particularly like blogging about.  Lately, however, I've been thinking a lot about fear.  Fear and our society's bizarre obsession with it!  We live in one of the safest periods in the history of time.  Mortality rates are down, life expectancy is up.  Modern medicine has more capabilities to preserve life than our ancestors could ever have imagined.  We have cell phones, 9-1-1 emergency responses, seat belts, airbags, and alarm systems.  We should feel an amazing sense of security.  And yet many people are completely dominated by fear.  America used to be "in God we trust," or "the home of the brave."  But today our societal structure has been built upon intricate networks of fear and intimidation.
Last week I sat in a new employee meeting with our company's Aflac representative.  She pitched several different insurance packages to us that could potentially offset the costs of a potential future tragedy, if we start paying monthly installments now.  There is a life insurance package (which is on top of the automatic package our company provides) which will double or triple my current "award" (1 year's salary) to Joel if I die.  There is also cancer "protection."  I can start payments now, and in the event that someday I get cancer, Aflak will help to cover my expenses (more fully than most insurances, and without a pre-existing condition clause). There is even a coverage package for rare diseases.  I can pay about $25 a month and if I come down with any number of rare diseases--including mad cow disease or West Nile virus, I'll be paid for my pains. 
The representative had a wealth of examples and stories about freak accidents and random occurences that rarely happen in life outside of Grey's Anatomy.  Stories about people falling with lanyards and cutting off fingers or children getting bizarre immune disorders.  She preyed upon our feelings of being alone and vulnerable.  She took away any faith in God or family or health or anything else, and instilled a terrifying feeling of lack of control and connection.  And several of my coworkers, desperate for that control or connection to someone that will support them through tough times are now participating in various plans.  And so it's got me wondering what has happened to our society, when our confidence passed away and fear took over. 
I spent the last 2 years of my life in Mauritania, and didn't feel afraid once.  Joel and I were the only white people for miles.  We experienced a coup d'etat.  We slept outside.  I was alone quite a bit--as a women in an environment that was very anti-women.  Our neighbors and host family were Arab and Muslim, a culture that is often quite hostile to the West.  But you can ask Joel--we weren't afraid once.
Now I'm back in the States, and I find myself obsessively locking doors.  When I'm at home alone I bolt my door-sometimes twice.  I didn't hesitate to enroll in my work's healthcare plan--that was half the reason for finding a job!  And when I walk alone at night I get freaked out quite a bit. 
So what's the difference? 
The only thing I've been able to come up with is self-reliance.  Here in the States we pride ourselves on self-reliance and being independent.  In Mauritania they have a "mashallah" attitude about everything--basically saying that life is in God's hands and there isn't much we can do about it.  They have a community focus--one that says that neighbors take care of each other and look out for one another.  People in Maal constantly told me "we have no problems here," by which they really meant no one is ever alone, and we don't let anyone come to harm under our watch.  For example: one time we heard a domestic squabble going on a few houses away.  A woman started yelling.  And in less than a minute, our entire neighborhood had convened, men descending on that household as though it was on fire!  They mediated the situation, and everything was taken care of quickly and without problem. 
What is my response to this?  As a result I've been thinking a lot about Matthew 10:28: "Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body..."  What have we traded in this obsessive journey for self-preservation where we have stopped caring about the soul in our desire to protect the body?  In our quest for comfort and protection, we have cast aside God, neighbor, friend, and faith.  Has our increase in health care, safety measures, convenient appliances and life expectancy really made our world a better place?  In our society where we allow ourselves to be dominated by fear-mongering from the media and other influences we prevent ourselves from truly living, and from ever discovering truth.  So my challenge today is to think about your community--the structure of family, friends, co-workers and neighbors that may be providing support to you in tough times.  Think about where you are placing your trust--beware of that which can destroy your soul. 

Have You Seen This Cat??

I lost my cat.  She's been gone now for a week and it's been a surprisingly hard thing for me to deal with!  I value existence without drama and pride myself as being unemotional, normally avoiding social signs of weakness such as crying or talking about my feelings (I was not raised to by your typical girly-girl).  But I've been sitting alone in the evenings while Joel's working and sometimes I can hear her little bell following me about the different rooms!  I need her and keep expecting her to show up and bug me some more.

My relationship with Shwey is definitely a love-hate one. I love her so much.  I rescued her as a frail, tiny, two-week old kitten that desperately needed me.  And she in turn filled this massive void Joel and I felt in Mauritania--that is being needed, having an impact.  Finally another creature in the world that what we did mattered to!  So having her around...we bonded. But at the same time, she's not the sweetest cat in the world.  The only cuddle time we have is when she thinks I'm asleep, at which point in her mind it is safe to get in hand's reach, and she curls herself up against my back or neck and purrs herself to sleep. For the most part, we coexisted (her choice).

Don't call PETA on me, but I think while in Mauritania my perception of animals and their role on earth changed a bit.  The first time I saw a donkey being beaten and left to die was shocking.  The first time I saw little boys dragging around tiny-birds tied to a string, I couldn't help scolding them, even in my pathetically insufficient language skills.  But during my time there I hit a point where I saw animals as far more utilitarian in their purpose.  Could I really judge those boys for building a yo-yo out of a bird, when they'd never actually been given a toy? (I'm not saying it's any less horrifying of a toy)  If your donkey is a tool or machine that has stopped functioning, is there any point to continue putting money and labor into it?

Joel and I had a dog and a cat while in Mauritania.  Locals found it very strange that we didn't beat them (much) and actually let them into our homes and become part of our lives.  They found our entertainment of animals very odd.  But I think we shared in the same ultimately utilitarian view.  Unlike the USA's "animals are people too," campaign, I tend to view animals in their relationship and value to us.  Maybe I don't need them to work for me, but I kept Shwey around and she had value because she made me happy.  I liked having her around.  I liked her warm, fluffy fur when she would curl up next to me.  I liked her spastic attacks of anything that moved, because it made me laugh.  I liked when my dog, Bibi, would leap up on her hind legs in a ridiculous dance because she was so happy to play when we came home.  These animals are what they offered to me.  They don't have souls.  They aren't eternal beings.  I don't know where Shwey is now.  If she is dead, that is it.  If she is alive, I hope she comes back.  But I don't want to mourn her.  I'm not going to feel guilty if I have another cat.  I do miss her and her silly antics, and Shwey if you are reading this I do want you to come home! 

I think we learn to love in stages and expand as people.  As very small children we only know how to love ourselves and our parents.  We learn to love siblings, cousins, friends, and crazy aunts and uncles.  When we add a pet, especially one that is dependent completely on us, it opens up another level.  Not that pets are more important than the above mentioned relations, but they help to bring us out of ourselves in the way that others do not, because they rely on us more than anything else.  I think they are probably a good phasing point towards children.  A lot of people that have never had kids talk about their pets as kids, most people that have children never compare their animals to them!  Why is that?  I think they've taken it up a notch, seen how much more they could love something, and how much less selfish they can be.  Even though now it feels like our little family has been broken up, and  while I really miss my "baby" that I was looking forward to having around for another 15 years, I know I'm only at one step on the journey, and still have a lot to learn about loving myself less and others more and being part of a bigger family and community.  So maybe we'll end up adopting one of the sad little creatures we've seen at the shelters we've visited.  Who knows.  But if you are thinking about getting a pet I recommend rescuing one--visit one of your local shelters and walking away will be one of the hardest things you've ever done.

And if you see this cat--let me know!! 

Actually Leaving the Desert

In other news, I thought I was moving past Mauritania.  Even if I haven't processed it fully (or at all for that matter) and haven't packed it away in a neat little box or compiled it in a concise blog post, I thought I was a normal person again (as normal as I ever was).  I even caved and changed my profile pic on Facebook!
But, I am definitely not normal.  For example, I still find myself craving long baguettes made of only flour and salt, or a huge bowl of spoiled milk camouflaged with excessive amounts of sugar.  I fight the urge to obsessively shake everyone's hands whenever I walk into a room or leave it.  I find myself putting my hand over my heart and averting eye contact when I encounter a man, especially one that I don't know very well.  I find myself telling people things are "bismillah" or "tewf," or "zayn hatta!" and expect them to understand me!   I wear sweaters in the summer in Texas and really can't comprehend certain disciplines such as not eating too much, exercising, reading/studying, being alone, or getting to work on time.  To top it off I'm pretty sure my hair is still falling out!

And yet I still thought all of that was behind me.  Until I started working back in a refugee resettlement agency.  All of a sudden I am surrounded by people who are not only interested in my experiences, but have heard of Mauritania and can also ask somewhat relevant questions about my experience!  And I run into Iraqis in the lobby talking about cell phone plans in Arabic and it sounds like a TMobile commercial I'm watching on Dubai 1!  And today I helped a young guy from Iraq named Mohammed and a young guy from Somalia (also named Mohammed) go on job interviews which went really well, and it was such an amazingly cohesive moment.  Suddenly my worlds are colliding and it makes sense!  I don't have to relegate poor Noura to life in her alternate world of Mauritania and pamper Melissa here in the US as though nothing is different.  Mauritania happened and life is happening now.  I can say Salamu Aley kum and there are some folks around that understand.  Or they don't and that doesn't matter.  And although I'm still unsuccessful at processing my experiences so that I can parcel Mauritania off into a pretty little box (only to be dusted off and opened during the scattered Ramadan and Tobaski phone calls), I think I have a pretty good shot at adding it to an overall mosaic of my life, that is turning out to look pretty beautiful after all.  All the disjointed pieces that I thought would never fit anywhere are sliding into places and it's not such an issue, them coexisting, after all.

I am who I am and I've been where I've been.  It's all a part of the person I've become and the person I'm becoming.  And it doesn't really matter if I don't see the big picture or can't pull some profound meaning out of every experience.  Because there is a bigger picture, and it's all coming together for a bigger plan, one that all of our mosaics are ultimately going to fit together in a giant portrait of beauty, redemption, grace, and joy!  So, I'm embracing those pieces, and excitedly watching as my life swells into a pretty cool piece of art.  I may have left the desert and taken the camels off my wall, but I'll never put them behind me!

Leaving the Desert

So I don't really know that I have passed some spiritual testing or anything like that, but Joel and I are finally starting to move from our personal desert crisis of being broke to one of financial stability. It's been quite a frustrating process, but like most of its kind a learning one. We've learned a lot about community, and about relying on God. I think I mentioned a bit about it before, but basically I was confronted with some real testing of how I trusted in God. I definitely trust in His provision, but was throwing around a lot of catch phrases like, "It'll work out," or "God's in control."  The part that rocked me was realizing how God has promised to provide--not necessarily by getting Joel and I jobs where we could fall into a comfortable income bracket. I saw His provision coming from family, friends, and seemingly random situations. Which was awesome. But I really started to get nervous that it might be permanent, and maybe His way of providing wasn't going to be the way I wanted!

Turns out, God did provide in an awesome way that I was also ok with :o). It took longer than I'd wanted, but I just got a job with the YMCA doing employment development for refugees! It is exactly where I want to be right now.  The job doesn't pay great, but I'm sure in the long run it will still be more than we need.  I've learned a lot about true community and being part of the universal church over the last few weeks, and am starting to view my belongings a lot less as mine, and more as a the possessions of God, intended for His purposes and His people.  They have been lent out to me temporarily, but should be incredibly fluid--much more than I have tended towards in the past.  What would my life look like if I didn't truly own anything?  Definitely a more sold-out version of committed living.  That may sound redundant, but my committed living doesn't always seem very different from normal life.  And it needs to.

So, thanks to everyone that has helped us along the way as we've been struggling somewhat.  Way to be part of the Kingdom here on earth!  I've only had 2 days on the job so far, but they have been so exciting--which is all the more affirmation that I am in the right place and moving in the right direction.  Like I said--He provides!

Redecorating

Just a quick update on how life in our new apartment is going:
We've settled in pretty well so far, and are really liking the neighborhood.  We've been getting to know our neighbors somewhat and hope to really build some relationships there.  We are also really centrally located, only minutes from fun places like the Astro's ballpark and the museum district.  An added bonus is that we are still only 30 minutes from Joel's family, and really close to where I'll be working as well.

Our apartment itself is really pretty fun.  It's 2 bedrooms, which is more than enough space for us--in fact we've been having trouble filling it!! Since we've found ourselves short on seating, Joel and I decided to build a new couch from cardboard.  Joel has been blogging about it some, but I wanted to give an update about it, since my part has now come into play.  Joel's was building the actual structure, my job was to make it something someone would want to sit in.  But the whole goal was to make it 100% recycled and 100% free.  The cardboard took 1 easy trip to the dumpster, but we have been stumped with how to make it look nice.  Well, last night I came across some new items, and am trying to figure out how to use them!  Anyone know anything about furniture upholstering from scratch?

I obtained these fabrics and some cushioning last night.  Although I'll hopefully get my hands on some more cushioning, I am trying to figure out what to do with this material so that it doesn't look like a janky dorm couch (or our other couch, for that matter).  For any artsy readers out there, thoughts or suggestions?  I could really use some help!

Enough of this Individualism Business, Let's Have Some Collectivity

So I really love my friends, family, and all of the crazy people in my life that are constantly encouraging me and driving me to be consistent, be more loving, and truly consider what my life should look like in this crazy world that we live in.

Lately we've been talking a lot about faith and problems with church.  In Biblical times, the early church was growing.  It says in Acts that numbers were being added to it daily!  We are talking hundreds.  Because there was something about it--something authentic and something different and something attractive that was drawing people to it.  Something that seems to be missing from churches today, which to be honest tends to evoke images of little old ladies, booming organ music, boring sermons and lame guilt trips.  But Devin, Jason, David and several others have been having discussions lately about what the church could and should look like, living actively in community and promoting service and social justice throughout our world.  Joel and I have been talking about the things we think are missing.  And today Joel's brother was talking about our complacent congregations--people that are showing up each Sunday set to receive and never really giving.  Our pastor today talked about racism and classism and other issues that keep members of the church from true community.

The fact is, Jesus' love is transformative.  No matter how often we reject Him, He is loving us (past, present, and future)--demonstrating that through His ultimate sacrifice on the cross and His healing ministry during His life on earth and today through the power of the Holy Spirit.  But many of our churches don't seem transformed, and don't even offer people many areas to show that if it's present in their own lives.  So Joel's dad had this idea which expands on the analogy of the body of Christ.  He talks about fishing, and how today we "cast our lines" in isolation, as opposed to a more effective way of casting our nets, the way people fish when they want big results.

So, since I'm always searching for relevance, I was trying to figure out what he meant and how to really apply that in the church, and here's the basic workings of an idea that I've come up with (credit going mostly to Joel's dad and everyone that I listed above.  Basically I'm just compiling what they've said):  What if churches had a centralized way that they ministered to each other--everyone giving and receiving as was intended?  I can envision a huge database of members, skills, availability, gifts, etc.  When I did volunteer coordination at World Relief, a lot of people couldn't figure out what their gifts were and only wanted to donate their time in a general way.  What if someone could take 20 minutes with members of the church and help really identify ways they could serve--be it tutoring high schoolers, a free tennis lesson, offering childcare (mom's with several kids could handle one more), space in their home, training on excel and other databases, vocational training, ESL training, music lessons, a homecooked meal, microfinance loans, or clothing donations?  The list could go on and on and on!!  And if there was a way people could access these potential ministries or notify the church of their needs--with no embarrassment because everyone was doing it as a part of the same unified family.  The church could actually be MEETING those needs in a tangible way and not just dumping money off to parachurch organizations they think could do it better.  The church might become more relevant in our communities.  And as those around us see the way we truly care for each other, it might be something they want to be a part of.  As they see the way we really love others, the way we share our lives, they might decide there is something to this Jesus business.  And isn't that what the early church was all about?  We aren't supposed to be doing it alone. 

Mud Pies at the Ocean

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us."
CS Lewis


David's comment on my earlier post made me remember this quote. Basically Lewis gets to the crux of what Paul and as a result I were talking about. Infinite joy, infinite treasure, infinite glory is awaiting us. What are we wasting our time for? Shouldn't our lives reflect our yearning for this--striving to touch the glory, to obtain the reward?