My blogging tends to get long, so I'll try to keep this entry shorter. But I've been learning something about myself recently and it has held several real glass shattering moments so I thought I would share it! It's about being poor...
There's a lot in the Bible that talks about being poor. It talks about taking care of the poor and loving them and giving all that you have to them. I just spent the last 2 years of my life living in Mauritania, an incredibly poor country, because I wholeheartedly believe that the best way to give value and truly help the poor is by living among them, offering respect and friendship and spending myself to share the opportunities of health and education that I have been given and have always taken for granted. I've always been on that side of poverty. And I can say with an 80% confidence level that I always will be.
However, the Bible has more to say about poverty. It talks about trusting in God to provide for me. It talks about how He cares if even the smallest sparrow falls. He provides for the plants and the animals—how much more will He provide for me?? It also talks about storing up my treasures in heaven—because I can't keep the ones I find here on earth!
So, that being said, here is the thing I've just learned about myself: I'm afraid of being poor!! I need to have some store here on earth so that I feel secure. Maybe this is not a glass-shattering thing for you. But for me, I was never the richest kid and Joel and I try to live modestly. I've always thought that I was a pretty faithful person. I've always assumed that I trusted God to provide. And I still do...at least on an intellectual level. But I've been really worried about money recently, and in a way I have never experienced for. I mean—I just spent the last 2 years of my life living on slightly less than $2 a day and I never worried for a second. So I thought I had poverty figured out.
But in the Peace Corps, those $2 were guaranteed and taken care of. Some months cash was tighter than others and I had to eat really gross food, but frankly I didn't have many expenses. And I lived pretty well off of care packages. If I didn't have rent, I just told my neighbor or paid him less that month. It evened out because on months that I was doing well I gave him a few extra thousand ougiya. So what is different this time?
Right now there is no income coming in, or projected on the horizon. I have NO IDEA where a paycheck is going to come from, although I'm pretty sure (or at least I was) that it will come from somewhere. This is the longest I've been out of work since my junior year of highschool. On Tuesday, I sat at home staring at my bank account online just waiting for 2 checks to bounce and nothing to do but pray that they didn't get cashed that day!! (Alhamdulillah—they didn't!) Really bad things could have happened if they did (losing our apartment being one of them). And though I racked my brain there was nothing I could come up with to fix it!
So now as our bank account and measly Peace Corps allowance has continued to dwindle, I find myself actually worrying about what we will eat and what we will drink and what we will wear. I panic when the car makes a funny noise—I mean, if we can't get to job interviews how can we get the $$ to fix it if it breaks?? And I am ok with rice and beans every day sure but what if even that doesn't keep coming in?
Now. I post this with some reservations. As I said, I am 80% sure that I will never be truly poor. I can say that because a) I have a college degree (albeit one of the things making me poor right now). That puts me in the top 1% of the world right now. b) I have a strong family support network. Although things are tight for everyone right now, no one in mine or Joel's family is going to let us end up on the streets or starving. But nevertheless the anxiety is there. And it is a lot to ask of anyone right now for loans.
So, in conclusion, I actually do know in my head that we will be ok. Even if something sad happens like having to default on our wonderful new apartment. But, I have never felt worry like this before. I have never felt my confidence in God's providence stretched like this before. And I am definitely still trusting Him to provide. I guess I'm getting a little bit worried about the manner He is providing in. After all, he promised to care for all of our needs, not necessarily provide that cute little apartment or give us more than beans and rice. But I know this to be true: He works all things together for the good of those that love Him. I know it will work out. I know we will be ok. But I have also had a new experience of poverty (and I hesitate to use that word, because sociologically we do not fall into the sphere of poverty just yet, even if our income would indicate such), and a new feeling of compassion for the poor. It is a terrible thing to wonder where your next meal will come from—or where your child's next meal will come from. And in the rush of work or job-hunting or broken cars, it is not always easy to access the abundant services that we may have so readily available in our country—because those things can keep you in the very cycle you are trying to work your way out of.
I guess that's all, just something I've been thinking about. Fortunately I'm looking ahead at the glory to come and not dwelling on my earthly treasures (of which I have managed to hoard more than a few). Sorry about 2 posts in 1 day. I didn't like the earlier one very much anyway.
**Disclaimer: a big part of my current freak-out is induced by how much everything costs here! And I'm sure this isn't just that I'm used to everything costing a penny and being able to fight if I feel I am being unjustly charged by 30 cents. I really think things are more expensive than they used to be!! Not to mention the cloud of desperation everywhere! People attack sales and job posts like they are the last place on earth. People can really be downers. Where is the hope?? Can anyone back me up here? I know a can of tomato paste should not cost me a dollar--especially when it's not even organic!
4 comments:
You're not alone (not that it makes it better or easier)! I've been living on my credit card waiting for my Americorps position to begin, and YES, things are way more expensive! I feel like I have an old lady breakdown every time I go to the grocery store, "back in the day..."
I have to tell myself that God hasn't let me starve or die of exposure yet, so I can probably continue to count on Him... it's still tough though. I hate cedit cards and loans and being in debt.
If there's a Trader Joe's anywhere near you, they can help. Lol, I've been living off lentils and packets of Indian food (actually quite tasty, and makes a meal under $2).
Well, hang in there. Things WILL get better. =)
So, you came to this conclusion before I did. You kept asking me if I read the post and God must have kept me away from it until he worked on my worries and thought processes for a while. And you're right about us not being poor. As I was praying with you last night I realized...I'm not worried about me or Melissa, I'm worried about our stuff (our money). So I realized that my worries were not that God would provide, I know He will. My worries were that He would provide in the way that I wanted Him to; in the way that I had figured out.
Once I realized that, I realized I needed to stop trying to micro-manage God. It's not, "Joel will figure it out." It's, "God will provide."
You and Joel rule. Thanks for sharing what God's teaching you and for sharing such great insights on poverty. And thanks for expressing so well what I think a lot of people fear.
It's easy to say that God is close to the poor, loves the poor, and that God wants us to minister to the poor when we're in no danger of becoming poor ourselves.
But the fact of the matter is, whether we're rich or poor, nothing we have will last to eternity. We can't take it to heaven so why worry (or obsess over, hoard, covet, etc.)
I have no doubt that God will take care of you two.
Hi Melissa, it's Hannah here, return-stalking your blog (just kidding, you're more than welcome to read mine... hope it's ok to read yours, too!).
I think, in some ways, this post and the one you posted about on my blog have pretty similar themes to them... letting go of the false "control" we think we have and actually trusting God to provide in whatever ways he deems good. Although Josh and I have been blessed to be financially stable this year (we might not make a lot, but God has definitely taken care of us in that department), one area I’ve had to learn to trust is in regards to physical comfort and safety. Like my blog about our location, we've "given up" a lot of conveniences that, yes, I sometimes wish I had. But the bigger thing to let go of was safety. Granted, I still don't really walk around our neighborhood at night alone, but Josh has challenged me greatly with this simple question: Is God more sovereign in the suburbs than in the city? I think the same applies to you… is God more sovereign in Mauritania than in Houston?
I don’t want it to seem like I’m giving you a sermon in any way, because I’ll be the first to admit that God usually has to do about, oh, seven things before I finally give him my attention, then five more for me to get it, and then three more for me to finally submit to his will. But I’ve found that question a challenge AND a comfort, because when put that way, of COURSE I know Jesus will provide and keep me safe! It might still be HARDER to trust that, but when I actually stop to ask if God is going to watch over me less because I live in the inner-city instead of the swanky suburbs, I realize it’s pretty ridiculous to ever have doubted.
I’m going to be praying for you guys… please continue to let us know how God’s providing for your needs and how we can help, too!
Post a Comment